Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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