dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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