The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
