No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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