Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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