i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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