I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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