This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
