why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
