ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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