Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
