This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
