Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
