1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
