Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
