i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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