Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
