I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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