If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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