She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
