After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
