Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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