I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
