I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize