there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
