I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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