I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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