if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
