please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
