I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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