Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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