peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
