My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
