hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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