It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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