i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
