i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
