New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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