i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
