This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
