i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
