I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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