a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
