You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I fill condoms, not promises.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
