My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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