I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
