Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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