i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
