Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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