I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
