my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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