Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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