Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
