Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
