community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
