she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
