why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
