so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
