wanna go halves on a baby?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
