morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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