The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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