It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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