If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
