Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
